July

It was just a few months ago that I "couldn't wait for July". Now, I wish it was a few months ago instead of today. July was supposed to bring the child I have ached for, fought for, sacrificed for.

But instead, in 20 days it is our 4 year wedding anniversary, in 20 days my son would have been 4 months old, in 21 days I will have been without my precious boy for 4 months, in 25 days Matthew was due to be born.

July holds so much, yet so little.

I should be 37 weeks pregnant, and Matthew should be full term, ready to enter the world.

So many "should be's". So many "would have been's". So much lost, so much gained too soon.

So much gone until the day I meet my maker, and my life is ended on this Earth. So much to look forward too after my time here is ended.

So much emptiness where my little boy "should be".