The tech was incredibly nice, laughing along with me at his antics, jokingly telling Matthew he was being difficult and uncooperative, and making me feel like an excited mother instead of an appointment to get through.
She started asking some odd questions, but I was so caught up in watching my son that they didn't even phase me: "Is there anyone on either side of the family who is below average height? As in little people?" I adamantly responded no and laughed because his father is 6'2". She began to remeasure the back of the head a couple times, and grew more quiet as the ultrasound went along. Again, this really didn't phase me much. I was in the "oh nothing will happen to me" state of mind as most first time moms are. My Matthew was and is perfect, so there was no way they'd find anything wrong.
After about 15 minutes she excused herself to go get the doctor, this was the first thing that registered with me as wrong. Tech's never get the doctor unless something is wrong, but I ignored that little pinch in my mind and oooed and awwwed with my mom over the pictures she had printed out for me.
As soon as Dr. Lantz walked in the door my heart sunk. He had a very worried and grim look on his face. He was about to have to tell a young expecting mother that there was a couple things that appeared to be wrong with her precious baby.
Very calmly he explained that there was a hole in Matthews heart between all of the chambers, and this would most likely require open-heart surgery within the first few months of his life.
OK. I can deal with this. I asked some questions, tried to keep my head clear and alert before breaking down, but there was more.
He explained that there was also a thickened nuchal fold (the skin at the back of the babies neck), that was a sign of Down Syndrome. This hit me like a bag of bricks. The type of heart defect that Matthew appears to have also is a sign of Downs Syndrome, and the fact that he has both means there is a very good chance of him having this chromosomal abnormality. He then explained that he was a little worried about the bones, as they were all measuring 3 weeks behind (normal limits is 2 weeks behind), and this can be a sign of dwarfism.
So, I am looking at having a child with a major heart issue, Downs Syndrome, and could possibly be a dwarf? Wow. Not what I expected in my wildest dreams.
I am amazed that I did not break down right there and then. I held back my tears, had my blood taken for a test, and tried to hold it together before we got out of the building. I made it to the elevator before I started to cry.
I honestly cannot tell you all of the thoughts that went through my mind over those next few hours. There were some of the most unthinkable thoughts, and some of the most fear induced.
I called Jamie desperately 3 or 4 times before I finally got a hold of him. "Somethings wrong with the baby" was all I could get out at first. I asked him to come get me from my parents house, as there was no way I could drive. I stayed on the phone with him till we got to my parents house, so I could keep hearing his voice.
I walked in the door, went upstairs to the dining table, and sobbed. My dad came and gave me a hug, and I waited for Jamie to get there. I had been laid bare, in utter desperation, and there was only one person in the world who could make me feel safe again. Jamie has been absolutely amazing the last few days. To him, nothing has changed except we may have to walk a slightly different path with Matthew than we had expected. He believes Matthew will not have the Downs, but if he does, then so shall it be.
I barely got through that night and next day. I went numb. It was the only way I could stop crying. I hate to cry! It makes me feel so weak and vulnerable. A feeling I am not used too, but sometimes, Life needs it's tears.
I finally started to feel better on Sunday, with the help of overwhelming encouragement from everyone, and from my friends at church, including our pastor and his lovely wife. We love them! Each new morning brings more peace and acceptance.
Sunday night, after driving home from dinner with my grandmother and Jonathan, I sat in the driveway for a good long while and just cried out to God.
I prayed and begged for the selfish things: for Matthew not to have Downs, for his heart defect to not be as serious, for all the odds to mean nothing when those test results come back. Not so that Jamie and I don't have to go through all that, but instead, that Matthew would be a healthy little boy and be able to grow up with only the normal obstacles. That was my hearts cry. I am willing to go through it all. The pain, the suffering, the learning, and whatever else comes our way. He is 1000x worth it.
After my selfish requests, I asked for strength to put it all in his hands. To put my precious child in his arms, and to accept whatever He decides for Matthew. As a control freak, nothing has been harder for me than letting go and trusting God. Even in the small things it's hard for me, much more so with my son.
Peace. I asked for Peace that I couldn't understand. There is nothing quite like being in the middle of a crisis, and feeling that peace wash over you. He has blessed me each day after with his loving peace, and I can tell you, there is nothing that could have helped more.
He has little Matthew in his arms now, and when he is born, he will hand him to Jamie and I, perfect in His own design, shaped and molded just for us.
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