A few days after Matthew was born, a lady from church who brought us a dinner asked me a question that, at the time I did not have an answer too. "Wouldn't you have preferred if he had died before he was born, and it had been a miscarriage instead?" As horrible as that sounds, she was legitimately confused. I had been saying how incredibly grateful I was for the hour and a half he had given us before he passed away.
In her mind, things would have been so much "easier" if I had simply miscarried earlier, instead of delivering a very premature baby after over 2 days of labor. Maybe she though there would be "less" to grieve.
At the time, I was neither offended or horrified, surprisingly, because I knew even then, that no one can understand unless they stand in that place.
Now, I have an answer. If I was asked that again, I hope I'd have the presence of mind to reply in sincerity and experience.
In that moment, that precious, unending moment, that Matthew was born and placed in my arms, I began to live for the first time.
I now knew love.
I now knew true sacrifice.
I now knew purpose.
I now knew life.
Since then, I have grown immensely as a person, as a mother, and as a wife. I have hardened in some ways, and grown more compassionate in others. Before, priorities were always a semi-elusive entity, and now, they couldn't be more clear.
My path was laid out for me, clear as day. Life, as I knew it, ended abruptly, but unmourned.
Leaving the hospital without him, Jamie and I entered into a different world. We live day by day in this new world, and while different, it still holds happiness as well as the grief which was our doorway in.
I thank Matthew for all of this. For such a little person, he has made more of an impact in our lives than time, nature, and the universe itself ever could. He is, who we are.
So if I am ever asked that question again, I would say no, any amount of "easiness" would not be worth the sacrifice of who we would be without him. That will never be a question in our minds, for we would choose the same path again, and again, and again, if it meant still having him alive in our arms for those few moments.
In those moments, I became a mother, my husband became a father, and we are eternally grateful to our son for that.
