Dream

For the first time since Matthew died, I dreamed last night. I dreamed all the time when I was pregnant, and quite frequently before getting pregnant, but the last few months have been dreamless.

I've actually ached to dream, in hopes that my "life that should have been" with Matthew would bleed through the edges of this world into my nights. I have wished that I could live just a few of those moments unconsciously. But my REM moments have been empty of glimpses of my son.

Last night I dreamed about another son, and oddly enough, I actually remember almost all of the details.

I dreamt of his birth, and the moments that followed. I dreamt that we named him Jayce Matthew. I even dreamt of the midwife cutting the cord, and handing him to me. The weight of his 6 lbs still lingers in my arms. The image of my brand new son, Matthew's little brother, lying purple and pink tinged, covered in that coat of fine, white hair on the scale, and screaming his brand new lungs off is still fresh in my mind.

I remember him wrapped in a receiving blanket, and showing him to his daddy, pointing out his chubby cheeks, and how much he looked like me, but with his dad's legs and arms. I even remember posting his picture and birth details on Facebook!

So, even though I didn't dream about Matthew, and the life he was to have, I did dream about the promise and hope of another son, which is something I have needed. We've been robbed of a future with our first born, but I hope, with all my heart, another little boy will come into my life some day.