Disconnected

Feeling less than a part of the world lately. I'm going through the motions of the day to day normalcy, and I'm even starting to see people more, but I feel like I've reverted back to before I became pregnant with Matthew. Maybe it's because life had changed so drastically with him coming into my life, and now, with him gone, it feels like I've gone back in time a year. I feel like I've taken a huge step backward. The world doesn't view me as a mother, and in turn does not treat me as one. My heart is the heart of a mother, but my life is not.  I don't know what to do, what to feel, how to act lately. I have fallen back into acting the way I did before, even though I am not that person anymore, almost like an old habit.

I'm beginning to think I don't know how to cope with the person I am now. It's all such strange territory, none of which I know how to deal with or adapt too. When I see other moms talking about their day to day activities and responsibilities, all I can think is, that's what I need to be doing. That's the place I need to be, should be.

The empty shell of the present only echoes the diffused life of what has been lost. My entire existence is wandering, looking for the the road of before, looking for that place it belongs.