Amazingly happy to announce that God has yet again showed himself faithful.
Matthew's blood work came back NEGATIVE for Downs syndrome. With a 99.1% accuracy rate, we are astounded and amazed to hear such wonderful news. Thank you all for your prayers and please continue to pray for the long road ahead with his CHD.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Acceptance
Lately, I have been struggling, grasping and embracing the multiple facets of acceptance. Never before have I encountered the desire and need for each type of acceptance as I have over the last week and a half.
I've gone through worrying about and coming to terms with each type of acceptance: personal, social, and heavenly.
The first few days, Jamie and I faced the overwhelming trial of personal acceptance. For my dear husband, it was little to no effort to jump that hurdle. After recovering from the initial shock of the news, he immediately adopted the mindset of this is our son, regardless of the health and mental problems he comes into the world with. When people have asked how he is doing, he replies "I'm a rock", and he is, for me and each step we face: steady, straightforward, reliable and understanding. This is not a prideful or arrogant response, but a very honest one. I am amazingly grateful for him!
For me, it was a longer and harder journey. I have worried many times, if this little boy has downs, would I be able to love him the same. Yes! Will I still be proud of his accomplishments and feats? Yes! In public, will I be ashamed of his issues, and treat him differently? No! Will I be able to love his different appearance, and adore each feature as it is? Yes! Each question has raised in my mind, and each has been answered adamantly. I now realize fully, that I will love and adore Matthew no less than if he is born with typical chromosomes. Instant, gratifying, abounding love will flow without hesitation the moment I see him.
Secondly, I have been incredibly worried about acceptance in the eyes of my friends and family. When I first discovered I was pregnant, I imagined all the possibilities. Play dates with friends and their little ones, showing off my cutie pie for the first time at church, and family gatherings with our new little boy. My imaginings have included many ooo'ings and awww'ings. All of these were dashed when I first heard the words "downs syndrome".
Any fears have been sated thanks to an overwhelming amount of support and encouragement from those around me. Not just support, but very clear and passionate excitement for Matthew to arrive, however he may be health wise or in appearance. That has been an astounding help for me to realize everything will be OK. Matthew will be loved dearly not only by his parents, but by all of those around him, and I cannot wait to see that.
When I first took this before the Lord, I didn't fully realize the gravity of His involvement in this whole situation. To me, it was a problem that Jamie and I had together that needed prayer, and to be hopefully fixed by Him. It was almost as if, in my mind, that we had created this child, and something had gone wrong, so you take it to a specialist, and pay him in prayers to fix the problem. So, so, so far from the truth.
He is the one who created Matthew, and has analyzed, planned, and drawn each tiny part of his body, mind, and soul. Matthew was never ours until the Lord gave him to us. We in reality, had very little to do with his creation. He has had the little guy in his hands since before the beginning, and has loved him so much more for each little unique piece than Jamie and I ever could or ever will. He knows each nook and cranny of his little heart, and the ins and outs of every part of his still-forming body. There is no greater acceptance, than of the Creator and His creation. If ever Matthew needs to find acceptance in the world, he will only have to look to His heavenly Father to find it.
Today we wait for the results of the downs syndrome blood test. I am so in between on what I believe the answer will be. One moment I think negative, one moment I an convinced positive, but truly it doesn't matter.
The biggest worry I have right now is concerning his CHD (congenital heart defect). The type he appears to have is called an AV Canal complete defect, which means there is a hole in between all 4 chambers of his heart. While still very operable, he will definitely need surgery in the first 6 months of his life. We go for an echocardiogram with a cardiologist from Hopkins this Friday, and will be able to get a more definitive diagnosis as well as find out if he has any other heart issues. The cardiologist will be able to tell us a time frame to expect surgery, and to talk about birth options.
We are looking at a very good possibility of him being a preemie, and/or having to stay in the NICU (no way to know how long).
All in all, regardless of the outcome, all I want is for him to be here with us. The struggles and difficulties mean nothing compared to the excitement of being new parents to our little boy. We are ready.
I've gone through worrying about and coming to terms with each type of acceptance: personal, social, and heavenly.
The first few days, Jamie and I faced the overwhelming trial of personal acceptance. For my dear husband, it was little to no effort to jump that hurdle. After recovering from the initial shock of the news, he immediately adopted the mindset of this is our son, regardless of the health and mental problems he comes into the world with. When people have asked how he is doing, he replies "I'm a rock", and he is, for me and each step we face: steady, straightforward, reliable and understanding. This is not a prideful or arrogant response, but a very honest one. I am amazingly grateful for him!
For me, it was a longer and harder journey. I have worried many times, if this little boy has downs, would I be able to love him the same. Yes! Will I still be proud of his accomplishments and feats? Yes! In public, will I be ashamed of his issues, and treat him differently? No! Will I be able to love his different appearance, and adore each feature as it is? Yes! Each question has raised in my mind, and each has been answered adamantly. I now realize fully, that I will love and adore Matthew no less than if he is born with typical chromosomes. Instant, gratifying, abounding love will flow without hesitation the moment I see him.
Secondly, I have been incredibly worried about acceptance in the eyes of my friends and family. When I first discovered I was pregnant, I imagined all the possibilities. Play dates with friends and their little ones, showing off my cutie pie for the first time at church, and family gatherings with our new little boy. My imaginings have included many ooo'ings and awww'ings. All of these were dashed when I first heard the words "downs syndrome".
Any fears have been sated thanks to an overwhelming amount of support and encouragement from those around me. Not just support, but very clear and passionate excitement for Matthew to arrive, however he may be health wise or in appearance. That has been an astounding help for me to realize everything will be OK. Matthew will be loved dearly not only by his parents, but by all of those around him, and I cannot wait to see that.
When I first took this before the Lord, I didn't fully realize the gravity of His involvement in this whole situation. To me, it was a problem that Jamie and I had together that needed prayer, and to be hopefully fixed by Him. It was almost as if, in my mind, that we had created this child, and something had gone wrong, so you take it to a specialist, and pay him in prayers to fix the problem. So, so, so far from the truth.
He is the one who created Matthew, and has analyzed, planned, and drawn each tiny part of his body, mind, and soul. Matthew was never ours until the Lord gave him to us. We in reality, had very little to do with his creation. He has had the little guy in his hands since before the beginning, and has loved him so much more for each little unique piece than Jamie and I ever could or ever will. He knows each nook and cranny of his little heart, and the ins and outs of every part of his still-forming body. There is no greater acceptance, than of the Creator and His creation. If ever Matthew needs to find acceptance in the world, he will only have to look to His heavenly Father to find it.
Today we wait for the results of the downs syndrome blood test. I am so in between on what I believe the answer will be. One moment I think negative, one moment I an convinced positive, but truly it doesn't matter.
The biggest worry I have right now is concerning his CHD (congenital heart defect). The type he appears to have is called an AV Canal complete defect, which means there is a hole in between all 4 chambers of his heart. While still very operable, he will definitely need surgery in the first 6 months of his life. We go for an echocardiogram with a cardiologist from Hopkins this Friday, and will be able to get a more definitive diagnosis as well as find out if he has any other heart issues. The cardiologist will be able to tell us a time frame to expect surgery, and to talk about birth options.
We are looking at a very good possibility of him being a preemie, and/or having to stay in the NICU (no way to know how long).
All in all, regardless of the outcome, all I want is for him to be here with us. The struggles and difficulties mean nothing compared to the excitement of being new parents to our little boy. We are ready.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Smiles, Tears, Prayers, and Peace
I watched my little boy on the black and white screen as he sucked his thumb, kicked around, and just looked as cute as could be. There are very few things that bring as much joy to my heart as getting to see Matthew. It makes me long for the day that I finally get to meet him after all these years.
The tech was incredibly nice, laughing along with me at his antics, jokingly telling Matthew he was being difficult and uncooperative, and making me feel like an excited mother instead of an appointment to get through.
She started asking some odd questions, but I was so caught up in watching my son that they didn't even phase me: "Is there anyone on either side of the family who is below average height? As in little people?" I adamantly responded no and laughed because his father is 6'2". She began to remeasure the back of the head a couple times, and grew more quiet as the ultrasound went along. Again, this really didn't phase me much. I was in the "oh nothing will happen to me" state of mind as most first time moms are. My Matthew was and is perfect, so there was no way they'd find anything wrong.
After about 15 minutes she excused herself to go get the doctor, this was the first thing that registered with me as wrong. Tech's never get the doctor unless something is wrong, but I ignored that little pinch in my mind and oooed and awwwed with my mom over the pictures she had printed out for me.
As soon as Dr. Lantz walked in the door my heart sunk. He had a very worried and grim look on his face. He was about to have to tell a young expecting mother that there was a couple things that appeared to be wrong with her precious baby.
Very calmly he explained that there was a hole in Matthews heart between all of the chambers, and this would most likely require open-heart surgery within the first few months of his life.
OK. I can deal with this. I asked some questions, tried to keep my head clear and alert before breaking down, but there was more.
He explained that there was also a thickened nuchal fold (the skin at the back of the babies neck), that was a sign of Down Syndrome. This hit me like a bag of bricks. The type of heart defect that Matthew appears to have also is a sign of Downs Syndrome, and the fact that he has both means there is a very good chance of him having this chromosomal abnormality. He then explained that he was a little worried about the bones, as they were all measuring 3 weeks behind (normal limits is 2 weeks behind), and this can be a sign of dwarfism.
So, I am looking at having a child with a major heart issue, Downs Syndrome, and could possibly be a dwarf? Wow. Not what I expected in my wildest dreams.
I am amazed that I did not break down right there and then. I held back my tears, had my blood taken for a test, and tried to hold it together before we got out of the building. I made it to the elevator before I started to cry.
I honestly cannot tell you all of the thoughts that went through my mind over those next few hours. There were some of the most unthinkable thoughts, and some of the most fear induced.
I called Jamie desperately 3 or 4 times before I finally got a hold of him. "Somethings wrong with the baby" was all I could get out at first. I asked him to come get me from my parents house, as there was no way I could drive. I stayed on the phone with him till we got to my parents house, so I could keep hearing his voice.
I walked in the door, went upstairs to the dining table, and sobbed. My dad came and gave me a hug, and I waited for Jamie to get there. I had been laid bare, in utter desperation, and there was only one person in the world who could make me feel safe again. Jamie has been absolutely amazing the last few days. To him, nothing has changed except we may have to walk a slightly different path with Matthew than we had expected. He believes Matthew will not have the Downs, but if he does, then so shall it be.
I barely got through that night and next day. I went numb. It was the only way I could stop crying. I hate to cry! It makes me feel so weak and vulnerable. A feeling I am not used too, but sometimes, Life needs it's tears.
I finally started to feel better on Sunday, with the help of overwhelming encouragement from everyone, and from my friends at church, including our pastor and his lovely wife. We love them! Each new morning brings more peace and acceptance.
Sunday night, after driving home from dinner with my grandmother and Jonathan, I sat in the driveway for a good long while and just cried out to God.
I prayed and begged for the selfish things: for Matthew not to have Downs, for his heart defect to not be as serious, for all the odds to mean nothing when those test results come back. Not so that Jamie and I don't have to go through all that, but instead, that Matthew would be a healthy little boy and be able to grow up with only the normal obstacles. That was my hearts cry. I am willing to go through it all. The pain, the suffering, the learning, and whatever else comes our way. He is 1000x worth it.
After my selfish requests, I asked for strength to put it all in his hands. To put my precious child in his arms, and to accept whatever He decides for Matthew. As a control freak, nothing has been harder for me than letting go and trusting God. Even in the small things it's hard for me, much more so with my son.
Peace. I asked for Peace that I couldn't understand. There is nothing quite like being in the middle of a crisis, and feeling that peace wash over you. He has blessed me each day after with his loving peace, and I can tell you, there is nothing that could have helped more.
He has little Matthew in his arms now, and when he is born, he will hand him to Jamie and I, perfect in His own design, shaped and molded just for us.
The tech was incredibly nice, laughing along with me at his antics, jokingly telling Matthew he was being difficult and uncooperative, and making me feel like an excited mother instead of an appointment to get through.
She started asking some odd questions, but I was so caught up in watching my son that they didn't even phase me: "Is there anyone on either side of the family who is below average height? As in little people?" I adamantly responded no and laughed because his father is 6'2". She began to remeasure the back of the head a couple times, and grew more quiet as the ultrasound went along. Again, this really didn't phase me much. I was in the "oh nothing will happen to me" state of mind as most first time moms are. My Matthew was and is perfect, so there was no way they'd find anything wrong.
After about 15 minutes she excused herself to go get the doctor, this was the first thing that registered with me as wrong. Tech's never get the doctor unless something is wrong, but I ignored that little pinch in my mind and oooed and awwwed with my mom over the pictures she had printed out for me.
As soon as Dr. Lantz walked in the door my heart sunk. He had a very worried and grim look on his face. He was about to have to tell a young expecting mother that there was a couple things that appeared to be wrong with her precious baby.
Very calmly he explained that there was a hole in Matthews heart between all of the chambers, and this would most likely require open-heart surgery within the first few months of his life.
OK. I can deal with this. I asked some questions, tried to keep my head clear and alert before breaking down, but there was more.
He explained that there was also a thickened nuchal fold (the skin at the back of the babies neck), that was a sign of Down Syndrome. This hit me like a bag of bricks. The type of heart defect that Matthew appears to have also is a sign of Downs Syndrome, and the fact that he has both means there is a very good chance of him having this chromosomal abnormality. He then explained that he was a little worried about the bones, as they were all measuring 3 weeks behind (normal limits is 2 weeks behind), and this can be a sign of dwarfism.
So, I am looking at having a child with a major heart issue, Downs Syndrome, and could possibly be a dwarf? Wow. Not what I expected in my wildest dreams.
I am amazed that I did not break down right there and then. I held back my tears, had my blood taken for a test, and tried to hold it together before we got out of the building. I made it to the elevator before I started to cry.
I honestly cannot tell you all of the thoughts that went through my mind over those next few hours. There were some of the most unthinkable thoughts, and some of the most fear induced.
I called Jamie desperately 3 or 4 times before I finally got a hold of him. "Somethings wrong with the baby" was all I could get out at first. I asked him to come get me from my parents house, as there was no way I could drive. I stayed on the phone with him till we got to my parents house, so I could keep hearing his voice.
I walked in the door, went upstairs to the dining table, and sobbed. My dad came and gave me a hug, and I waited for Jamie to get there. I had been laid bare, in utter desperation, and there was only one person in the world who could make me feel safe again. Jamie has been absolutely amazing the last few days. To him, nothing has changed except we may have to walk a slightly different path with Matthew than we had expected. He believes Matthew will not have the Downs, but if he does, then so shall it be.
I barely got through that night and next day. I went numb. It was the only way I could stop crying. I hate to cry! It makes me feel so weak and vulnerable. A feeling I am not used too, but sometimes, Life needs it's tears.
I finally started to feel better on Sunday, with the help of overwhelming encouragement from everyone, and from my friends at church, including our pastor and his lovely wife. We love them! Each new morning brings more peace and acceptance.
Sunday night, after driving home from dinner with my grandmother and Jonathan, I sat in the driveway for a good long while and just cried out to God.
I prayed and begged for the selfish things: for Matthew not to have Downs, for his heart defect to not be as serious, for all the odds to mean nothing when those test results come back. Not so that Jamie and I don't have to go through all that, but instead, that Matthew would be a healthy little boy and be able to grow up with only the normal obstacles. That was my hearts cry. I am willing to go through it all. The pain, the suffering, the learning, and whatever else comes our way. He is 1000x worth it.
After my selfish requests, I asked for strength to put it all in his hands. To put my precious child in his arms, and to accept whatever He decides for Matthew. As a control freak, nothing has been harder for me than letting go and trusting God. Even in the small things it's hard for me, much more so with my son.
Peace. I asked for Peace that I couldn't understand. There is nothing quite like being in the middle of a crisis, and feeling that peace wash over you. He has blessed me each day after with his loving peace, and I can tell you, there is nothing that could have helped more.
He has little Matthew in his arms now, and when he is born, he will hand him to Jamie and I, perfect in His own design, shaped and molded just for us.
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