The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled
A heart that's hopeful
A head that's full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems
Feels like I'm
Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need Your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Finally! I found it.
I used to hear this song ALL the time growing up. Didn't particularly like it, but the words always made me wonder if there really is a place for everyone. I hadn't been able to find mine. Sure, there were some things I was great at, and enjoyed, but I've never had that feeling of "right".
I thought when Jamie and I were married, that was it, and it was closer, but not quite there. I belong with him. Wholly and completely, but there was something always missing. He and I both knew very well what "it" was.
Our child. The one we have longed for since before we were married. The child I have dreamt about for years before meeting Jamie. Even as a young girl, there was always such an incredibly certainty, at an age of so many uncertainties, that I would be a mom. It has been my hearts desire for what seems like an eternity.
Jamie and I picked out names for our first the day we got engaged: Rachel Christine and Matthew Wesley. We hoped to be able to use one soon after our wedding, but things don't always work the way we want. After over 2 years of trying, I finally took the plunge to see someone about our infertility. I figured the doctor would just tell me I was too fat to get pregnant, and to lose some weight. Easy fix right?
Well, one thing lead to another, and I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). Which I still don't fully understand. PCOS can present itself in many ways and different severities. Pretty much, my ovaries don't drop eggs due to an elevated testosterone level. PCOS can also cause insulin resistance, in which your body does not process food into energy, but just stores it as fat. In turn, you become overweight, and low-energy. (Yay!) The endocrine imbalance makes it incredibly difficult to lose the weight that is put on so easily, even on a healthy diet and moderate exercise. The testosterone levels increase acne, hair growth (chin, face generally), and cause mood swings. Not everyone who has PCOS has these symptoms, for some, it just means they have irregular cycles but can still fall pregnant. We also have a much higher rate of miscarriage, and a tendency for low progesterone (which is what maintains the pregnancy in the first trimester).
It's definitely something I do not fully understand and am still learning about. I know I hate it, and yet at the same time I am so glad to finally have a reason for things I didn't understand for most of my life. As an overweight teenage girl, self-esteem does not abound. Fortunately, my tom-boy tendencies saved me from a lot of self-image issues.
Back to our TTC (trying to conceive) journey.
Jamie always wanted children (big brownie points), and we couldn't wait to be parents. Even though we were, and still are, financially mediocre. In our thoughts, we know the Lord will provide, and that even though babies are very expensive, we will find a way. It is amazing the sacrifices and resourcefulness that comes with being a parent. (As MANY of my friends can attest too!) Despite this, we were ready. So ready.
After 3 1/2 years and many months of fertility meds (which seemed like an eternity), we finally got that BFP (big fat positive) in October! Such excitement and joy! We couldn't wait to tell everyone, as patience has never been one of my best traits. We gifted my parents with Grandma and Grandpa coffee mugs, and made our facebook announcement immediately.
Then, 3 days later, we lost the pregnancy. It was the hardest time of my life. Such joy for so short of a time. I blamed myself, I felt shame that we had told everyone so soon, thinking that I should have used my common sense and waited till 12 weeks. I felt the fool. Of course it was too good to be true. I flew from God. It undermined my faith incredibly, and wounded the relationship between Jamie and I.
My friends were an incredible support, and I will be forever grateful for that, but it was still so hard to hear condolences and comforting words. I felt the failure like stabbing knives.
I am not easy to comfort, and poor Jamie, when he tried to be there for me, found himself pushed away. I am a silent mourner, a lonely crier, and I hate for anyone to be around when I am grieving.
I blindly and numbly continued with my meds, not even hopeful, but rather as a habit. Life freaking sucked for that whole month and a half. Strong face, strong words, fake smile, and hidden tears were my constant guise.
We found out we were pregnant again (already!) the 2nd week of November
I have been cautiously ecstatic every since. Honestly, for the first 14 weeks, I expected to miscarry. I tried to keep from getting attached to the baby. Even though I was still incredibly excited and happy, I feared the worst every day.
I maintained my distance from God, holding another loss against him even though it hadn't happened. Such silly humans we are. It was only rarely that I would pray for my little one, thinking to myself, "Well I am not really praying for me, it's for the baby so maybe he will listen."
Now that I can call him by name, talk to him, bond with him, and love on him, my days are filled with happiness. I am never alone.
The last few weeks, I have realized just how much my Father has been looking out for my little baby, even when I didn't trust him too. Fortunately, I don't have any say in such things. He's gonna be there with my child whether I like it or not! I have finally started putting this little boy to God. He is the Lord's child just as he is mine, and there is not a person on earth, including myself and Jamie, who could love my little Matthew more. There is a God in heaven who has his entire life planned, and will carry him through steps I will not be there for. If there is one I can trust, it is my heavenly Father, lover of children, watcher of all.
I finally feel safe. I feel right. I was meant to be here, and to take the journey that led me to this place, though rough and hard it has been.
I've found my place in this world: mommy to my little boy, wife to my loving husband, and above all, nestled in the arms of Christ.
