I've gone through worrying about and coming to terms with each type of acceptance: personal, social, and heavenly.
The first few days, Jamie and I faced the overwhelming trial of personal acceptance. For my dear husband, it was little to no effort to jump that hurdle. After recovering from the initial shock of the news, he immediately adopted the mindset of this is our son, regardless of the health and mental problems he comes into the world with. When people have asked how he is doing, he replies "I'm a rock", and he is, for me and each step we face: steady, straightforward, reliable and understanding. This is not a prideful or arrogant response, but a very honest one. I am amazingly grateful for him!
For me, it was a longer and harder journey. I have worried many times, if this little boy has downs, would I be able to love him the same. Yes! Will I still be proud of his accomplishments and feats? Yes! In public, will I be ashamed of his issues, and treat him differently? No! Will I be able to love his different appearance, and adore each feature as it is? Yes! Each question has raised in my mind, and each has been answered adamantly. I now realize fully, that I will love and adore Matthew no less than if he is born with typical chromosomes. Instant, gratifying, abounding love will flow without hesitation the moment I see him.
Secondly, I have been incredibly worried about acceptance in the eyes of my friends and family. When I first discovered I was pregnant, I imagined all the possibilities. Play dates with friends and their little ones, showing off my cutie pie for the first time at church, and family gatherings with our new little boy. My imaginings have included many ooo'ings and awww'ings. All of these were dashed when I first heard the words "downs syndrome".
Any fears have been sated thanks to an overwhelming amount of support and encouragement from those around me. Not just support, but very clear and passionate excitement for Matthew to arrive, however he may be health wise or in appearance. That has been an astounding help for me to realize everything will be OK. Matthew will be loved dearly not only by his parents, but by all of those around him, and I cannot wait to see that.
When I first took this before the Lord, I didn't fully realize the gravity of His involvement in this whole situation. To me, it was a problem that Jamie and I had together that needed prayer, and to be hopefully fixed by Him. It was almost as if, in my mind, that we had created this child, and something had gone wrong, so you take it to a specialist, and pay him in prayers to fix the problem. So, so, so far from the truth.
He is the one who created Matthew, and has analyzed, planned, and drawn each tiny part of his body, mind, and soul. Matthew was never ours until the Lord gave him to us. We in reality, had very little to do with his creation. He has had the little guy in his hands since before the beginning, and has loved him so much more for each little unique piece than Jamie and I ever could or ever will. He knows each nook and cranny of his little heart, and the ins and outs of every part of his still-forming body. There is no greater acceptance, than of the Creator and His creation. If ever Matthew needs to find acceptance in the world, he will only have to look to His heavenly Father to find it.
Today we wait for the results of the downs syndrome blood test. I am so in between on what I believe the answer will be. One moment I think negative, one moment I an convinced positive, but truly it doesn't matter.
The biggest worry I have right now is concerning his CHD (congenital heart defect). The type he appears to have is called an AV Canal complete defect, which means there is a hole in between all 4 chambers of his heart. While still very operable, he will definitely need surgery in the first 6 months of his life. We go for an echocardiogram with a cardiologist from Hopkins this Friday, and will be able to get a more definitive diagnosis as well as find out if he has any other heart issues. The cardiologist will be able to tell us a time frame to expect surgery, and to talk about birth options.
We are looking at a very good possibility of him being a preemie, and/or having to stay in the NICU (no way to know how long).
All in all, regardless of the outcome, all I want is for him to be here with us. The struggles and difficulties mean nothing compared to the excitement of being new parents to our little boy. We are ready.
No comments:
Post a Comment