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Don't even slightly pretend to know what we're going through, or liken it to anything that's happened in your life. It's not even close, it's not even imaginable for you, and it is so far from understandable that doing so just belittles our loss.
Don't avoid his name, and think it's easier not to hear. I crave it, I ache to hear it from other's lips, because there is nothing more normal than acknowledging my child. Just say it: Matthew.
Do listen with open ears, open hearts and open minds. Many things that may come out of my mouth might sounds harsh, or wrong, or even mean, but I am the one who has to experience this, and it is how I feel. If you want to help me, support me, and see me get through this, just listen and don't judge. For truthfully, you have no right to judge my place in life, and will hopefully never have to understand the foundation shaking feelings we go through.
Don't tell me "It's going to be OK", because it won't. It really, really won't. Things may change, and new joys may come into my life, but no amount of happiness will ever erase the loss of my son. I will learn to cope, I will learn to live again, but I will have to do so without him, and that will never be "OK", just different.
Do not ever, ever, ever tell me it was "for the best" or anything similar, because quite honestly, my ears hear "your son died for a good reason", and if I don't end up punching you right then and there, consider yourself lucky. (Also this includes any reference to "God doesn't give us more than we can handle", again, punch worthy)
Do pray for me. I need it. Especially because most times I cannot bring myself to pray these days. I'm hurt, I'm wounded, and I hold a lot of bitterness towards God. I need to work through it, and I will, but it will take a while. Please, my Christian friends, do not act like "giving it all to God" will make it all go away. Not even close. God gave us grief for a reason. It's a reflection of the importance of the life lost. I feel it so deep, because the loss of Matthew is so deep. No one knows better than Him the loss of a child, he lost his son too.
Do love me. Show your care for me. I can guarantee I will not always respond fervently, or even at all, but it helps to know you care. Silence is much worse than hurtful words or actions.
Do acknowledge Matthew. He is a person, and he deserves it. Talk about him as if things were a normal situation. I had a baby. I'm a mom. In my heart, if a person blatantly will not acknowledge my son, they have no place in my life.
Do speak to me honestly and act consistent. Never pretend that you have been there for me if you haven't. If months later you are just now reaching out to me, and have been silent before, do not expect much from me. If you could not be there for me in my most dire time of need, then let us not pretend to be friends anymore.
(This is a big one. There are supposed "friends" and even family, who were not there in the darkest hour. It became clear, very quickly, that I have quite a few "fair weather" friends. I cannot any longer let things like that take up room in my life.)
Don't push me through the grief process. Don't expect me to act "normal" for a very long time. I love you, but I love my son and my husband much more, and right now, it's about us. Be there for me, put the offer of connection out there for me, but place no expectations on me.
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I hope no one takes offense to anything, or picks something and says "Oh crap I said that". Again, I hold nothing against anyone. If I was on the opposite side of this, I would have NO clue what to say or do and would probably say something wrong and hurtful. It's just a hope that others can understand a little more how to handle such terrible situations without being detrimental to the one's who've experienced the loss.
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