Working 2 jobs now, and I am so grateful for the opportunity. It fills my days with 8-12 hours of mindless business, and helps keep me from sinking into depression again. Weekends are no longer dreaded (the ones Jamie has to work were unimaginably hard), because I always have something to do.
I do have to remind myself that I am doing it for our own house, and for the things yet to come, but sometimes I miss being able to sit down for more than 10 minutes and just think about life without crying/sobbing/anger/bitterness (and the myriad of other emotions that occupy my brain when allowed too).
Between the extra work, 4 days of gym a week, and the constant tornado of animal hair that seems to follow me, the quiet moments of solitude are few and far between. Never thought I'd hate them and be glad they're gone.
Then, every once in a while, I allow myself to just sit and feel it all. Feel the rush of the tangled emotions and craziness that is always present up there, but that I keep walled up for fear of losing control. In public, online, alone, at work, driving....wherever I may be, that tangled, intricate, all encompassing mass is there to swallow me if I let it.
My unbidden passenger, the unwanted, yet clung-to roommate, the thing that will never be understood, never diminished, always tasted, and always changing.
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