I live my days in two worlds: what is, and what would have been. Split between the life I have to live, by no choice of mine, and the life I wish could be. Every moment has two views, every object, every emotion, every occurrence.
I could have been washing this towel for his first bath, instead of for me. The dishwasher might have been needing to be run for his bottles, instead of our dishes. I might have needed a quiet house for my sleeping son, instead of the work I am doing.
I live my two lives, hating one, and mourning the other.
I miss you so much little boy. My world is shattered without you, and will never be the same again.
As I sit and wonder what your birth day should have been, and what I would be doing right now in either preparation for you or caring for you, I am still thankful for your time here. Regardless of how surrounded in tears, grief, and turmoil that gratefulness is, it will always be there, and hopefully one day will be all that is left.
No comments:
Post a Comment