Why?

Why not them instead of us? Why not her instead of me? Why not their baby instead of mine? How is it fair that they get 2, 3, 4, 5...and I can't even have just him? Why would you take Matthew away after we fought for him for so long, but give others beautiful "accidents". Why do I have to go through this, without the comfort of a child at home, or even children at home. Why did you have to take my first. I would have been happy with him as my only. Why would you make us go through so much, so, so much, and then rip him away. Why can't one good thing happen in my life, and not lose it. Why did you have to give me such an overwhelming desire, from such a young age, to be a mommy, but refuse me a living child. Why would you make me go through all that worry and fear with his heart defect and downs, then make everything wonderful again, only to rip him from my arms 5 days later.Why do so many, so many, get to have children they don't even want, and yet I can't have the only one I do want with every fiber of myself. Do I not deserve children? What did I do that was so horrible that I can't be a mom. Why must I suffer every day with constant thoughts of pregnant friends and mommy friends. Do I need to pray more? Do I not go to church enough? Is it because I cuss? I don't know. I know I'm not that great of a person, but did I really deserve this? Are my wrongs so great that my little boy and my husband had to suffer for them? I have never been good at anything in my life until I was going to be a mom. I finally felt like a person, instead of a lump of useless nothing, and I was going to pour my heart and soul into that little boy. He would have been raised to love you, to love his family, and to love himself. But now I'm left here, so desolate, confused, ripped apart, broken, and lost. Constantly plagued with pitied looks, having to respond to "how are you" with fake responses to avoid making others uncomfortable, and feeling like everyone has forgotten the one thing that gave my life meaning: Matthew. I had 6 months of pure ecstasy, after a life of pain and anger, and now I feel like I will lose myself in it. I just want to know why my little boy, when he was my world and my love, and everything to me. Why does my heart go on beating when his does not. Why do I have to finish life here on Earth when my place is with him. Why must I agonize through each day, and minute, and hour, without him. I just want to know, why?